I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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