Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
