Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
