so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize