We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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