It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
