Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
