If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
