You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
