Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
