i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
