Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
