peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
