i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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