Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
