I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
