to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
