I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
