a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
