i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
