Don't you send me to vm
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
