I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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