Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
