I think i sorta joined a cult last night
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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