im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
