Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
