Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
