He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
