I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
