so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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