I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
