i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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