This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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