I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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