Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize