mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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