I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize