I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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