yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
