I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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