I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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