You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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