Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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