she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
