this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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