i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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