I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
