A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
