I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
