As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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