Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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