Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
