dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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