you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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