i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize