Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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