Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
