You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
