Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
