I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Rumble strips road head = magical
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
