On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
