he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize