Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
