My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
