It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize