I'm so fucking centered right now
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
