So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
